Don’t

This post /might/ need a trigger warning for anyone who has experienced sexual harassment.

Let me tell you a story: in my reasonably short life, I have encountered not one, but two boys who expressed their complete and utter misconception of love to (or rather, on) me. In both scenarios I got of pretty much unscathed, but these experiences will both stay with me for a long time and I have decided I want to talk about this.

What did these boys do? Well, they had a very specific goal, and I was to be used as a pawn in their plans. One of the two literally told me he’d struck a deal with some friends that they would all lose their virginity before turning 15. He was nice enough to realise he shouldn’t take advantage of my fancy for him to obtain this goal, but he went on and did it to another girl not much later all the same. The other guy never mentioned a wish this specific; he just went for it, rushing through whatever little thing it was we had, just to get to the finish line. What it comes down to, is that they didn’t want love; they wanted sex. And I thought, and still think, that’s awful.

I think it’s safe to say that these experiences have haunted me, especially the second one. I never really talked about it in a serious way though, because I felt it was my mistake, and a really stupid one at that that no one else made. Which was a stupid thought, because I knew there was another girl right after me. Nevertheless, I never felt like this sort of thing would have happened to someone just that bit less naive and desperate than me. When I read All I know now by Carrie Hope Fletcher this changed: I realised that I was not the first and definitely not the last young girl to experience this (I was 13 – 15). Now that I do, I want it to stop.

The problem, I think, is in what kids get to see and hear at such a young age. Sure, we get some sex ed, but that only goes as far as the technical stuff: how to prevent STD’s, how to prevent pregnancies – “miss, what’s a condom?” Etcetera. This is all important to know, I am by no means denying that – but there’s another fundamental part missing in these lessons. Here’s a few things I wish everybody respected:

Don’t lead somebody on just to have sex with them: you’ll break their heart and trust.

Don’t engage in anything your partner seems uncomfortable with. When in doubt: ask.

Don’t guilt-trip your significant other into doing things they’re not ready for.

Don’t set yourself a deadline for losing your virginity: it’ll happen when it happens.

Now, you may read the above and think “oh, but it’s not that big a deal”, and this may be true for you. There are, however, always two people involved in sexual intercourse, and they might feel differently about it than you do. This goes for the virgins out there as well as the more experienced grown-ups: by saying these sort of things to others, you can influence them. They might make choices based on your views, that they later turn out not to share. They might rush into things that in hindsight, they’d rather taken slow, or just let you do whatever you want because they don’t want to disappoint you. If you can have a clear “deal” with someone who feels the same way about the subject as you do, then by all means go ahead and have fun. Just think of your partner’s sentiments before moving on to the next step, please.

In short: be in complete alignment with your partner, know what they want and do not want, and don’t try to influence them, because you might make them do things they will later regret and that will stay with them as an unnecessary burden. Don’t downplay sex, because to some it is a big deal, and that is completely reasonable. On the other end of this: if you did fall for someone’s lies, did things you regret or are embarrassed by, that’s okay. It was not your fault they took advantage of your position, and it is always wrong if someone does this. Don’t be afraid to say no, and if it’s too late for that already, don’t be ashamed to regret it or talk to someone about it.

Don’t be the one who makes others feel unsafe and alone.

Love, Ruby