Ruby in the Sky

Woah, it’s been a while again! It seems like all I ever do around here is apologize for not writing ;) Today I wanted to kind of combine a personal life update with an unintentional existential lesson. My personal story might be irrelevant to you, but please bear with me because I thing the lesson I learned from this is one I think we all need to learn at one point or another, and hear again every once in a while.

Since primary school, I have been pretty much terrified that people might not like me or the things I do, so I basically tried to be as main-stream as possible. Then in the summer of 2013, due to romantic desperation (yes, I am not ashamed of it, I googled stuff (past tense though)) I got into Youtube. Thanks, hopeless crush. I first found LizzieAnswers and Jim Chapman, and my interests expanded from thereon. At the end of the summer, I decided to start up a Youtube channel, called ‘LavenderBubble’. This, considering my fear of being different, was quite the step for me, and even though I kept it a secret from everyone but closer friends, I did really enjoy making those videos.
After a while I made the mistake to check my stats at school – stats are just way too exciting for me, which then led to some people seeing my channel and telling others and well, you know how those things work. This, for me, seriously sucked because well, I have never felt so exposed and self-conscious about anything else. Afterwards, I feel like I needn’t have cared so much. After all, I did have the guts to do what I liked. This exposure (I’m not gonna lie, it did matter) in combination with some logistics issues with the channel (the mail account I used only allowed for one channel and I couldn’t change the name) made me decide to create a new channel – Ruby in the Sky. However school work kicked in and up until today I never really got back into the routine of filming and editing videos on a weekly basis. I do have a desire to pick it back up again sometime in the future, so watch that space!

The Youtube part aside, I also changed the people I hung out with to some I felt more comfortable with. This is something I’ve been doing for a very long time and I think is very important in your whole ‘struggle to define yourself’. I’ve been kind of switching up between groups (I’m really sorry for sounding like they’re products) all my life, and this time I intended to “settle”, since the whole moving around kind of makes you feel restless after a while, which won’t make you happy either – trust me. So I did that and became more open to their interests (at least I hope I did). Because of those friends, I (amongst others) started watching Doctor Who and playing quidditch (the muggle version, obvs), both of which have made my life a very happy thing.

The most exceptional thing about all of this is that most of what I’ve been doing in the past year have been things I could never imagine myself doing before. It’s amazing how much happiness can come just from changing your mindset and being open to new things. Of course, the people I used to be afraid of will still be where they were before, but now I realize how little their opinion matters and, moreover, how little they actually say. I have been imagining their stories for so long and chaining myself by that, when in reality, they don’t even care.
The more you go over it in your mind, the more you’ll realize that your ‘enemies’ never actually said the words you put in their mouths. It’s just that little voice everyone always talks about. The only one trying to hold you back is you. Don’t let yourself.

Love, Ruby